Hello and welcome back to The Overthinker’s Guide To Sex, a sex and relationships newsletter by journalist Franki Cookney.
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Romantic abandonment isn't my main fear
Towards the end of Esther Perel’s talk in London last October, she invited the audience to ask questions which she then, very thoughtfully, and in some cases unflinchingly, answered. I remember one in particular, not because of the question itself, but for her answer. A young person walked up to the brass rail of the upper circle of the Hammersmith Apollo, took the microphone offered, and asked if she had any advice on opening up a relationship. Unsurprisingly, Perel demurred. Certainly you can apply an ethically non-monogamous reading to her work, but she herself is not and never has been an advocate for any particular relationship structure. “Advice on opening up your relationship,” is definitely not in her remit. But naturally it’s a question she’s heard before and so she did offer an interesting insight. In any given couple, she said, there is frequently “one person who fears abandonment and one who fears suffocation.” When she is asked for advice on how to transition to ethical non-monogamy, it is usually by the partner who fears abandonment.
Originally I had included this quote in last week’s essay about finding my way towards relationship anarchy, but while editing I realised it was a tangent so I cut it. But it’s something I have been thinking about on and off ever since I heard it.