Good sex requires selective attention
"The moment of connection is simultaneously a moment of disconnection"
Hello and welcome back to The Overthinker’s Guide To Sex, a sex and relationships newsletter by journalist Franki Cookney.
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Good sex requires selective attention
I want to talk to you about a book today, but not in the usual sort of way. Often, when I’m telling my readers or listeners or social media followers about a book, it’s because I’m recommending it. Or, at the very least, I’m sharing a passage I found interesting or which sparked a lot of thought. I don’t do a lot of “negative reviews” because I think they have a tendency to land badly. I don’t mean with the authors, obviously bad reviews land badly with authors, I mean with audiences. People can feel very confused and judged and defensive when someone criticises a thing they enjoyed and, while I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing (I too have felt confused and judged and defensive in these scenarios but I think it’s made me a better thinker because then I go away and consider why and sometimes I come around to the critic’s point of view, and sometimes it helps me understand and connect with my own point of view better), I would just rather stay away from that sort of boring, polarising discourse.
But today is different! Today I would like to tell you about a book I hated. I am aware of the risks of doing so (upsetting people, becoming the subject of criticism myself) but I’m doing it anyway because it feels important. You see, I didn’t just dislike this book, I was profoundly disappointed by it. The book in question is Is it ever just sex? by Darian Leader. The blurb inside observes that “it was just sex” is a well-worn claim, but, it asks, is it really possible for sex to be “just sex”? Naturally, I’m hooked.
It goes on: “As acclaimed psychoanalyst Darian Leader argues, with his trademark clarity, energy and wit, there is no such thing as ‘just sex’. It is always about so much more than that.”
Sex, psychology, and questioning accepted wisdom: I ought to have been the ideal audience for it. The fact that I turned out not to be makes me wonder who exactly is.